Who is responsible for my anger/ stress/ hurt/ worries in my life?

Whenever we get angry, hurt, worried or tensed, we always tend to blame others, our family, friends and colleagues for it. Is it true? Let us reflect on ourselves and check what is that, which really disturbs us...  

Am I responsible for my feelings?

1. “Think before you speak.” This is a very common saying. But do we do it?

Generally, in our routine life, with family, friends and colleagues, we converse naturally, it is not required to think. We think only when
· There is some problem
· There is a need to take a decision/plan
· We watch TV programs· We study/read/write· We have nothing to do, we think about the past (good/bad)

2. When we think, who thinks? Who creates our thoughts? God?

No, God does not create my thoughts. When I think, I create my own thoughts, it depends on what I want to think.

3. Now, when we learn to speak a new language, say “German”, how do we do it?

We learn all the vocabularies and basic stuffs and try to use it when we speak. We will surely be slow in our talks as we need to think a lot, just to frame a sentence.

4. OK. Now, we speak in our mother tongue, how do we speak?

Since, it’s our mother tongue, means, we are well versed in it. We need not think, it just flows.

5. Does it mean that we don’t think before we speak, in our mother tongue?
It means, I don’t have to think about the vocabulary but what to speak about- yes, at times, depending on the situation, I think before I speak.

Actually, we always think before speaking or doing any action. But, the speed in which we think is so fast that it seems as though we act spontaneously.

6. Excellent. So, is it sure that we always think? Meaning, we always create thoughts before we speak? (Be it vocabulary or anything)?

YES, we always think first.

7. When someone gifts us a dress or a jewel or a car or if we are promoted academically or at work, how do we feel?

We feel very happy and excited.

8. Why do we feel happy? What made us happy?

When we get what we want, we feel happy. Here it is the gift/promotion.

9. Is it really true that the physical entities like gifts/ promotions/ money give us happiness? If so, there are people who are very rich, do you think they all are happy?
We all have many desires in life and they keep changing. When desires are fulfilled we are happy.

The fact is: It was not the item (dress, car, jewel) that gave us happiness, it was just a stimulus. All external objects like money, possession, car, house, luxury, status, promotion, salary, designation, etc can give us only comfort.

We need to score good marks to get admission into a good college,
We need to work hard to get a degree and then a work in a good company,
We all need money to run a house, to buy car/ land/ many others items, pay fees/ rent, etc.

But all these items gives us physical comfort. Water quenches our thirst, food satisfies our hunger, MONEY can buy all things from a stick to big cars/ houses but all these satisfy our physical wants/ desires. They don't give us happiness.

The thoughts that we create like, "Wow, how beautiful it is, how nice of him/ her to gift this, how much he/ she cares for me, Yes, I got what I wanted, etc", make us happy. It is what we think, our thoughts makes us happy.



Next time when you feel happy, just stop and think, "What made me happy?" We will find that it is only the thoughts that we create because of any external stimulus. If not for our good thoughts we cannot be happy. Now it is up to us, if we depend on external things to make us happy, then we will be happy only for sometime, if we are independent of external stimulus, we will be happy always.

Now who is responsible for our happiness? It is we ourselves.

All external entities are only the stimulus, the thoughts that we create, decide our feelings.
 
10. Now, let us take a situation. We are neighbors and we are in a hotel, along with a few friends. I comment that you don’t know to eat decently, you eat as though you have starved for many days. What would you do?
I’ll surely feel hurt. I’ll also reply with a rigid tone that this is my way of eating and ask you to mind your work. I may even leave the place. It is natural for anyone to get angry/ hurt in such situations.

11. Who is responsible for your anger/ hurt?

Obviously, you, the person who commented at me, who did not know the way to behave and what to speak in public.

12. Fine, you got hurt/ angry because someone behaved in a wrong way. The wrong behavior was a stimulus, something that is not in our control. But anger/ hurt are feelings that we create within us, which are in our control. We all know that getting angry/hurt/ irritated/ worried/ tensed is not good for us/ health. Then can’t we find alternate positive ways to deal in such situations?

What? We create anger/ hurt and all such negative feelings? No way, we don’t choose to get angry and don’t create, it is very natural to get angry/hurt in such circumstances, it happens to all. In fact, anger is needed to correct such people, else we will be taken for granted.



LET US ANALYZE:

When we get angry/ hurt, what makes us feel so? Someone has commented about me and let us consider it to be inappropriate. Can someone’s words get into my mind and force me to get angry/ hurt? If so, do we get angry with everyone in all situations, at all times?

The fact is we create thoughts like, “how can YOU comment ME like this? Is this the way to behave in public? You think you are great and I am worthless? What will others think of me? You spoilt my image. What right do you have to comment about me? What do you know?” and many more. All these thoughts will just take a millisecond to think. It is these thoughts that create anger/ hurt in us. Then we react negatively.

We are so unaware of our thoughts that it seems as though, anger/hurt just happens. If we just rewind and think about any situation where we got angry/ hurt, we will find that, just before reacting negatively, we would have created N number of bad thoughts and it was these that made us feel bad which we call as anger, hurt, irritation, frustration, worry, tension, fear, hatred, etc.

If anger/ hurt happens for all, then why do people react differently in the same situation?

In a traffic jam, there are

• Some who shout at others on the road.
• Some who find an alternate route.
• Some who wait patiently.
• Some who get tensed and create fear about the consequences of being late.

In a social gathering, if someone has commented about a lady’s dress like, it looks weird/ old fashioned,

• She may get hurt and walk out.
• She may shout back and further find fault with the other person.
• She may just respond politely as it was his personal opinion and its fine. The dress is perfect for her, so she ignores and continues her work.

When a child does mischief continuously, a parent can

• Explain repeatedly in a loving and assertive manner.
• Try to divert the child.
• Shout at the child and punish him.
• Ignore and move away (depending on its severity).

Why do we react in different ways to different people?

It is because we choose to behave so. We choose to be loving and understanding to some and create negative thoughts to some others.

When our kid comments that our dress is not nice, we take it positively and change it or at least adjust a little. 

When our parent comments the same, we may just ignore and feel its fine for me.
When others comment the same, we may reply, “Whatever I wear seems ugly to you, this is how I am, if you can accept me please do, else ignore” and many more.

Here, we choose to be more loving to our kid and we choose to think negatively about others. If we wanted, we could have reacted in a positive and loving manner, like, "Its OK for now, if you feel its not nice, then can you get me another dress?" It is all our choice, as to how we prefer to react to a situation.

Now we understand we create negative/ bad thoughts which are the reason for our anger/ hurt/ irritation/ etc.

So, we are responsible for our anger/ hurt/ stress/ irritation, etc. and not anybody else.

Just like how we feel very fluent, natural and comfortable in our mother tongue, we also feel anger/ hurt are so natural because we have trained ourselves to be so. But is anger/ hurt good for us? Are we comfortable when we are so? As we think negatively internally, a few of these are prone to occur

• Our BP/ sugar levels shoots up
• We get head ache
• Some people sweat a lot
  

Science has proved that many health complications like diabetes, heart blockages and related problems, stomach/ skin disorders, tumors, cancers, etc. are mainly because of prolonged effect of stress and tension due to feelings like anger, hurt, worry and many more.

13. OK, I understand that anger/ hurt/ irritation/ frustration and all other negative feelings are injurious to health. But I am not a saint to remain calm and stable in all situations. I cannot allow discrepancies around me and later face the consequences.

It is a big misconception that only so called “saints”, wearing an orange/ white robe, who have renounced their family, wealth, desires, and expectations and always involved in spiritual life can only remain calm and stable. In fact there are many saints who are the opposite.

>> We all, as small kids, never knew about anger/ jealousy/ greed, etc. as we grew up, we observed people’s reactions and responses and learnt both good and bad.

>> About 20 years ago, very few people would travel abroad (USA, UK, Germany, Australia, etc.) for higher studies/ work. But now, 1 in every 100, go abroad not only for studies/ work, but for a vacation too.

>> There were very few doctors, engineers and scientists before, now there are plenty.

How did all these happen? It is all up to us. If we could achieve all such difficult targets which involves the help of many people, it is very easy to just pause and think about the way we think. If our thoughts are good, then we will be comfortable. If we feel disturbed or unpleasant, it is time to ponder on our quality of thoughts, erase the negative ones and replace it with good positive thoughts.

If we just stop and think as to what caused disturbance in us (anger, fear, hatred, jealousy, tension, irritation, etc), we can easily find alternate positive and easy ways to face life with a smile

"Watch your thoughts, they become your feelings, Watch your feelings, they become your attitude, Watch your attitude, they become your behavior, Watch your behavior, they become your habit,  Watch your habit, they become your destiny."

Hence, we need to check the quality of thoughts, we create, now and then. Let us learn to take full responsibility of our feelings like anger, hurt, irritation, frustration, jealousy, fear, etc. It is only then can we work on and rectify ourselves, to make our life more happy and peaceful.

                   THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!