Never compare siblings.

Kids can be taught to do their best in all that they do :
 

We need to look at each child as a unique individual. Never compare kids with others. Each and every kid has his/her own capacity and interest. When kids analyze and concentrate on their own performance, they will reach their goals faster and will help in increasing their capacity. They should always compete with themselves and not with others. Competition with comparison to others may lead to fear, stress, jealousy and kids may be tempted to compromise on their values. For example:

       a) There are 2 kids A and B and both are good in studies. A is very good in grasping but B has to put in a lot of hard work. The first time A gets 85% and B gets 90%. Now for the next exam, A and B need to analyze on their own performance and work hard. Say next time A gets 88% and B gets 92% then it means, A has improved because he has got better than his own previous marks.

b) A kid returns home after an exam, the first question from parents will be, “how did you do the exam?” If the answer was “not that good”, then next question would be, “how did your friends do?” Do you think this question is appropriate?

        c) Say, you feel the capacity of a child is 80%, if the child gets 75%, the parents start comparing with the marks of others, if it is 70%, then they feel my child is good. Is this good? Definitely not, always compare a child’s results with her/his own capacity. 
      
      Note: Never teach a child to be better than the others but to always do her/his best. Take other’s performance as an inspiration but not as a comparison.

Also never compare siblings. When we do so, we give an idea as if one child is better than the other, and the child takes it as, the other sibling is accepted more than me and this creates hatred and pain. As this comparison gets repeated often, the child gets a strong opinion that he/she is not liked by parents and it is difficult to erase this thought as the child grows. So, we need to look at each kid as a separate individual, appreciate the strengths and then advice on how to improve on the weakness. Give her/him the time to do so. Never take one’s strengths for granted. For example:

 

          a) If A and B are siblings, A is an introvert and B is an extrovert. If we want A to be more outspoken, the best way is to appreciate A for her patience, listening power, analyzing capability, ability to tolerate disturbance, good judgmental skills and so on.. This will boost her confidence. Then emphasize that, if she is more brave and speaks to the point, she’ll be the best. This is motivation. Give A, the time to change and keep encouraging her always. This is the best way to help someone overcome weakness.

     4. Kids should always feel “I am a good girl/boy” always. As kids, we parents/ teachers appreciate/ scold children for their good/ wrong actions. What we need to remember is “Never term a child as good or bad based on her/his good/ wrong actions.” For example: Lets take 2 scenarios:

         a) When a kid is asked to sing or dance or draw in front of a group of people (which we generally do at home) and when it is done, we appreciate him/her. We say “Very good job, you sing/ dance/ draw beautifully, you are a good artist.” This is fine. But we further say “you are a good girl/boy”.

          b) When a kid is asked to sing or dance or draw in front of a group of people (which we generally do at home) and when the child hesitates or feels shy or even gets cranky, we say “This is not good behavior, come on, you sing/draw/dance very well”. This is fine. But we further say “you are a bad girl/boy”.

 

When we react this way repeatedly, the child gets a strong opinion that his/her performance makes him/her a good/ bad boy/girl. The child always waits for appreciation, because she/he feels good, only if appreciated. If anyone criticizes, then he/she considers himself/herself bad. This is the reason why we as adults, always depend on public opinion for our happiness. A child may not be able to perform good in all, at all times. Always appreciate or correct the action, not the individual. When a kid does a mistake say, “It’s a bad habit, don’t do it” instead of “Don’t do it, bad girl/boy”. Irrespective of anything, always give them a feeling “You are always a good girl/boy”.

HAPPY PARENTING!!!

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Thank you.

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